Tears for no fears… anymore!

Tears for no fears anymore!

If any of you have been keeping up with my blog they will know that I have always had problems with my family.. but more so lately with my biological father sending the estate agent round to value the house we live in etc.

Yesterday I got a call from the estate agents… they said that “Your father” (no father to me now) has decided to put the house on the market.  Luckily we have another to go to.  I know we have a house in France, but we are not ready to live there yet full time and it was always his idea to come over here and live near him… anyway…

The morning…prior to the call….I had made toast for my OH and I and I was sat in the front room and it hit me again that after all of this I will never hold my father and tell him I love him again and I was in tears.  OH half found me and said maybe when we move it will be resolved.

The mid am I get a call to say I am a great Aunt again so that made me smile… she is beautiful!

Then the call…I can’t get over that he is so much of a coward to not even text me or email or call to say he is selling the house.  Afterwards I was in tears.. so hurt.. this is suppose to me a man that has always loved me… and I feel it is all lies…..

Then I hear that a dear friend has been in hospital to have a lump removed from her breast.  I cried

My sister called … the tone in her voice was so cold.. I lost my temper and told her a few home truths … then cried

Found out that my step father in law goes in today to the hospital for the results of his cancer test….phoned mother in law and cried.

My godmother called…. yes I cried.

All my life I have been the sensitive one in the so called family.  The one that has wanted to bring everyone together but all they have done is use me and hurt me to their own gain and when I get upset they poo poo me.  My godmother hit the nail on the head.  All these years I have never felt worthy…good enough to do anything and this is why I have run around after them all… and she said it is them… they are the greedy ones the ones who are mean.  I am normal.  I am the normal one who cares about family and gets hurt… they don’t.  All their lives evolve around money but the difference is.. mine doesn’t mine is love.

I said to myself this morning I wasn’t going to cry anymore over them…. but here I am again in tears.. I am mourning the loss of what I thought was my family but all along I haven’t really known any of them!  It hurts and hurts deeply…. because I care… but my godmother said this is what makes me special… just I don’t feel it, cause if my own family can’t make me feel loved and special and only want to hurt me.. where does that leave me.

My daughter and husband and my godmother… they are all I have left in the world.  My sister claims to be on my side but her tone tells me otherwise and she still sticks up for him.  I don’t expect her to stand up for me….but some support would be nice.

My brother was owed thousands so I got it back for him and he said I leave him in the shit… I saved my father 15000 on a property, did his admin for him, cooked for him, laughed with him..but he blames me for all that goes wrong in his life….my mother hates me that much she blames me for why my father had an affair and they got a divorce…I own my sisters company for her cause she can’t…Tell me does that sound like a horrible person to you.

Yet I cry.  All I want to do is be there and love them… but I have to face the facts now… No more tears for fears of being hurt… no more family.

I don’t know how long I have left of my life…. I have to get over them and start to live what is left… it isn’t going to be easy.. and I am scared as I have always been there from one of their dramas to another…

Since moving into this house all I seem to have done is cry… it has been a hard house to live in.. it has a lot of pain for me so moving might be a good idea…

They are dragging me down.. down to a place where I don’t want to go.  I can’t spend the rest of my life hurting like this.

Does anyone understand?

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