I haven’t been on here for a while as I have been thinking about people and maybe a little too deeply!
The other afternoon the OH and I went for a walk with the pooch which I thought was nice. Okay I didn’t keep up as well as I wanted and I tried to keep a smile on my face as he dragged me across what I thought was going to be a beach but turned out to be a boulders! Of course having twisted my ankle at home the week before it was making it difficult but have you ever faked that smile like the air hostesses do at airports.. wel that was me.
Weather wasn’t great but that was okay… then it turned windy so I was just sheilding my head as the ATN had been playing up a bit… think it was the stress of having to come back here…anyway… the was this lovely cafe open and he said shall we have coffee, I thought how lovely and we can go in with pooch as there is seating outside…..down we sat and knowing that I don’t like new places he said go and order them then.
So politely I said aww would you… Then it came… the slap in the face.. the boulder from the beach being dropped on my head… the stab in the heart… he replied… “Oh I am only going through the motions”
What does that mean? I am not sure if my face said it all but he had the real look of I don’t want to be here and especially with you on his face…..So hurt to say the least.
Am I living in a land that is different to everyone elses?
But I was about to get up and this lovely girl came and took our order and he changed just like that… nice as pie! Is it me? Do I see these things? Are they all in my mind?
Okay so I am not feeling the happy go lucky person I was… it has just been my sisters memorial… I am feeling low.. had the row with my daughter… feeling and definately looking fat and lets not forget the beating myself up over anything that can and will go wrong will be my fault! But that.. through the motions. *Sigh*
Anyway the days and time ticks on…. I did my nails 2 days ago… and thought Mmm nice…. Daughter and I have sort of made it up and I have ordered more nail products and thought this will be lovely… I have sorted more things out for my OH on his business..then got a call… and here it starts again…
My brother… who seems to think that I am at his beck and call all the time, who I said I would help out. wrote him a db for his business but seems to want to blame me for anything that goes wrong has just rung…. shouting about the money he hasn’t been paid by one company and I said let me deal with it and then he said No but that is what he wanted me to do in the first place and now I think he is pointing losing the contract to me… because he didn’t do all the work but now is too scared to chase them for the money…. but some how that is my fault….. I got the strength to say to him… “Then don’t call me and wind me up and have a go at me for something I haven’t done ” I put the phone down.
The postman came and there was a redirect letter from my fathers house… I wondered why didn’t he call me to say that he had a letter and I could have just picked it up? I rang him and he just spoke to me as if I was a stranger. We were always so close and that really hurts.
I wanted to speak to my sister… but she was busy….but always expects me to do things for her when she calls and gets grumpy if I don’t.
Tried my god-mother but she was out.. as by this time I was so fraught and in tears and really wanted to speak to someone.
SO guess what….your getting it now…
I am a good person with a sound mind, just very emotional and always allowed to let people push me around and now that I am standing up for me… (who ever me is now as I have done things for others for so long) They think I am wrong…. maybe I am..
Grrrrr I am just all over the place…I am watching something on telly and it makes me cry even more. There are certain programmes I definately can’t watch!
I am realising people are not like me… they don’t all have the same heart as me…If I harden up I get shouted at.. if I stay as I am I am wrong as I am not the happy person I was…..
Others would just say.. ahh she is depressed….
A doctor says depression is feeling sad for more than a couple of days…. that means 99 percent of the world must be depressed! Losing my sister still breaks my heart and makes me cry every time I sit and think of her and all times we are missing out on and should have had together.. So I will be depressed all my life…… I would just say… THIS IS LIFE..
I have booked to see my GP on the 20th of this month.. 5 days… so lets see how we go. I would say.. Take me out the back.. I will put down the plastic sheeting and just shoot me!! lol
Answers on a postcard please………………..