The food has gone to pot…. I seem to be eating all I can as if it is the last thing in the world I am every going to eat!!! Also I have just had the most horrendous text argument with my lovely daughter.
So now here I sit again… crying thinking… what the heck is going on? Where is my life going? What do I keep doing wrong? Why can’t I get anything right.
I have just text my daughter again….but I know she is out and won’t answer…. but I guess I can’t blame her… but I am being honest.. here is what I put…
I can sit here crying and hurting and you will never know how I feel, unless you are me, and I hope you never have to be there. I have good days and and not so good days.. and I battle with myself for never getting anything right, always being fat, always being ugly, never being loved, having a fucking head condition that hurts like hell when it wants (and hasbeen last few days) I have spent my whole life trying to please people… trying to be who they want to see.. expect to see .. want me to be.. and I am tired.. and I don’t know who I am… who I should be.. I feel alone and have got used to being alone and now I am not sure I can cope with peoples demands anymore on me… even the simplest of things or requests. Imagine being put in a large dark box and the bottom falls out and you keep falling.. no one is there to catch you as no one understands… no one feels how you feel…everyone is fed up of you, sick you, doesn’t want to be around you.. and you just keep falling… I exsist and am wondering what for…who for, who cares if I can’t care about me, I love all around me but it is like I see things so differently now… I see the disgust in their eyes when they look at me , the shame, the dissapointment, the failure…That never used to be me… where is me. I want to be happy, I want to laugh, I want to feel my tummy hurting like it did when Lizzy and I would laugh so much it hurt, I want to scream from the roof tops sometimes leave me alone, but some days here I am… But I know one thing I did do right, no matter what in my life and that was have you. How ever it turns out, you were always my best creation, my best memory, my best smile, my strongest love, the deepest hurt, the longest tear, the loudest laugh.
I am suppose to be packing and getting ready to go away… but my OH has hurt his back so not sure if we are going.. everything seems to have been going wrong lately.. I am tired.. back as well as my darn head has been hurting and I am just not loving life at the moment.
Sorry for my rant all… could really do with a pick me up!
Now… I am analytic and now that I have calmed down and re read what I have written and realised that my beautiful daughter and I have had a row.. it hurts me deeply and makes me wonder what goes through my mind when I am feeling very sad.
I think this is how I may see myself… as should it really matter what others think or feel? – But when we are low.. we can get to feel like the world is against us can’t we.
Having had my own business and working hard now alone a lot of the time… I can’t tolerate noise.. and I always push myself.. maybe too hard and see that I am a failure if I feel I haven’t suceeded in a day… Maslow! Same with the diet.. everyday the bloody diet! Failure after failure… who am I failing.. ME!
My daughter did say one thing that really did hurt me.. in fact hurt me very deeply…. We don’t have fun together anymore…it was like she stabbed me in the heart… It is making me cry again having to type it.
I have to sort my life out… again to please people… because I am not what they want.. but I don’t know who I am ….
Can anyone else relate to this or is it just me?