Last night or this morning… they all merge into one really I was sat thinking … I know steady!!!!…no that isn’t true I was laying down so that must have been last night before nodding off into dream world….


What was I thinking you are wanting to know….okay okay… where does our life start… and where does it end….

Now most of us would say.. when we are born and when we die…. correct?

But is that our life.. as I have thought about mine and it seems that I have spent my life doing for others… trying to help others … please others.. make others happy.  Now I am not saying that is wrong …. and maybe that is my chosen path.. but is that a life.

I look around and I see people doing lots of things, going places, laughing with friends and I don’t have that.  Why you may ask?  Because I have burnt myself out looking out and after others.

Yes, I love people, I trust people and this has always been my mistake.  I have always put others first.  I see others living their lives and really enjoying it.

I am not sure I am mine.  No not in a suicidal way or anything… and I guess everyones is the same to a degree.

The Quote… I have put up isn’t cause I aimed too low.. it is cause I have spent my whole life aiming so high that it hurts.

Does anyone understand that?  Can you relate to that.

Don’t get me wrong…. I have been a professional businesses woman… loved it at the time.. a  mother, a teacher, a course writer…. but I feel stagnant.

So are my aims at this present time too low?  Or is it that I am now just being easy on myself and getting out of the rat race.

I have started to reduce my medication for my ATN and I am doing this slowly as I don’t want to induce an attack.. but with this it is like a light is appearing…the other side of me that used to  be there before this terrible condition came on.  I am remembering more about my life .. what it used to be like and things I used to do…..

Do I want to step back into that world or would I be happier where I am?  Odd question that just popped into my thoughts.  We all grow older so our ambitions change.. we can say “Been there done that”!

So what is the next phase of my life?

I do know that I want it to be a slimmer one.  I have always battled with my weight… that has always been my other half of me that has hated me if anyone can understand that.  The part that puts you down… makes you feel bad.. stops you doing things.. feeling alive even…… and with that you give and live your life with the other half of you…and wonder what things could have been… might have been … if only…

So for all of us trapped with our other halves (ie fat body in case any really thinks I mean partner) Let us all aim that little bit higher…

WE are the ones to gain in the long run…

Maybe when I get most of me back… I will know what the next phase is…..


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