I’m Trying… I really am!……..

When you say to someone… I’m trying .. what does that mean or how do they really take it.

I’m trying… yes I am trying to lose weight.. I really am

I’m trying.. not to be so bloody sad and cry that my little best buddy has died and left me.. I really am

I’m trying.. yeah she really is!

 

Isn’t it odd how words can be percieved.  I often think how do people really mean that…. did they mean that in the nicest form possible…. or were they being sarcastic, having spent a long time or a huge part of my life being a punch bag or part of the joke or even better making myself the joke so that no one can see the REAL me or…. hurt the real me which was hurting anyway, and that was due to no one understood me in the first place or seemed to want to take the time to get to know me.

Nope… this is all a little too deep!

 

Yes… I am trying not to cry all the time but I do miss my buddy….last week I lost 7lbs… that was stress… with loosing him and havin to go o the hospital for those injections into the back of my head….. oh that wasn’t nice…

I still have the bruise on my hand and under my arms from the blood pressure machine where the lovely nurses thought I had died because it couldn’t pick up a pulse after.  I am not sure why… I was still over the rocket as I couldn’t wait to get out of there and  back into the security of my own home.

Being left alone in the hospital waiting for that procedure wasnt nice… sitting in the large waiting room…. alone… the fear of needles and I am not joking as a child I had to have a lumber puncture.  I scream sometimes.. is there anything I haven’t had… but I am grateful for the things I haven’t honest.

So I was hoping this was going to work… and the surgeon has asked me to keep a diary of the pain etc…. that has been up and down.  I have the sensation back in the top of my head… that sort of feels normal… but the side of my head doesnt and the pain again has been radiating down my cheek.  So nope I am not giving up the meds just yet.. *Big SIGH*

Have I stuck to my eating regime this week…. not as well as I had hoped for… my appitite is back a bit  but I have had some of the wrong things, so I am not expecting a loss this weigh in… BUT I am not going to beat myself up over it… I think life has done that enough to me over the last two weeks.

Do you think I am sad… we buried my buddy in the garden and I have the garden seat and I now go out and talk to him while having my coffee….is that sad?

I miss him xx

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