Monday Ramble.. Trapped!

Trapped..

Yes.. I went a begging again!!… Well how is one to heal and get on with life if you don’t try to sort things.

No …. I didn’t do anything wrong… but as I said I seem to be the one in my family that gets the blame for everything… and again I have had to go to my father and talk to him to see what it is I have supposed to have done wrong.

But this time I did go with a different attiude.  I did tell him that I have been finding things hard and this is about me… not everyone else and how I felt and this is how it is.  I had the thought in my mind (as I had tried to text, etc over christmas and new year and was ignored and desperately upset about it) that he can either have a go at me or be nice.

It was neither … it was both!!  But I sort of well I hope got my point across.  I am not the strong person I once was.. I am not the front that I once was… and I don’t want everyones problems anymore… I have enough of my own!

He of course didn’t ask me back .(to work together that is).. he just tried his up most to talk me into working for the lasy guy I worked for as he felt he needed me.  I left there cause I was stressed and wanted to work with my father in the first place.  My old boss does keep asking me back…. but I want to go forward…. where would I be going… if not backwards… to no life.. but then.. do I have one now… being trapped in the house… I don’t go out the house unless I am with someone….

I know that sounds stupid to many… I went through a stage of this many years ago.. I just don’t feel strong enough to face the world… I don ‘t like it… it seems full of people that push, shove, shout argue, mean and nasty and that is everything I want to avoid… so for the last few months I have locked myself away in my house!  Sometimes I feel trapped … and sometimes I just love the peace and quiet… no noise at all… nothing…wonderful…

Look where that has got me!

Anyway… again… I put my best foot forward… As I always do…. Do what everyone expects from me…

But it is true what they say… You can only kick a dog so many times before it stops coming back!…. Not that I am a dog.

Let us wait and see what happens now?…………………………..but I did make coffee and it cost me 3.5 syns so fingers crossed it was worth it… cause I really do love my father x

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