What a night..
.The tears have flown tonight, memories, new ventures, old open scars, … trying to move forward.
I have been recently been talking to my second cousin who tracked me down from my dearest sisters memorial site.
How wonderful… while I feel that my own close family is falling apart.. here comes family that I have had all the time, but knew nothing about.
I can’t tell you how much I hurt for my sister… how much I miss her, what I wouldn’t give to have a hug from her right now.
Yes I am a grown woman with a family of my own.. but does that mean that the tears can’t fall… that I have to be cold and show no emotion.
J and I spoke this evening about the family for sometime and it was wonderful… I spoke of my beloved sister, my father who won’t speak to me at the moment, putting the family togethers. I am working on a family tree and eventually we will put this all in the software…
Why the tears… I can’t seem to be one of those women who shut off… detatch myself from all that is going on around me. I think I have done it for so many years that I have broken now… OMG.. I remember that my OH told me a while back that I was broken…….. that hurt. Maybe I am… or maybe I am just being the real me.
I don’t know know how many tears I have cried since my sister passed away. Then last year I lost N.. she was like my mum… If I could have had a penny for each one and given it all to charity..maybe then there would have been some good to all the tears.
I have lots to look forward to… just when your upset.. low and hurting .. it doesn’t feel like that.
This is why I have to do this for me this time…. I want to find out who I am.. where am I going and what is going on in my life.