I haven’t posted for some time and have been reflecting over the last few months…
Having for what ever reason I am not sure … my father and I have fallen out and I have gone into a deep spiral…. I am at home.. not that mobile.. what do I mean by mobile… I got this bug… and it knocked me off my feet and don’t seem to have got mobile since… it seems to hurt to walk upright since… my back hurts and legs…….I don’t like to leave the house unless I am with someone and yes I do feel rather alone at times and depressed. My little rabbit has been very poorly and I have been feeding him… and think have I been keeping him alive.
The vet said that I should be thinking about “His quality of Life”… I know what that means… but sit for a moment and think of someone that you love… who has always been there for you… never answered back… just listened… loved you..and you are told… think of their quality of life…… How do you let go? I have asked myself … is he in pain… if he was, then I could let him go on…and just break my heart.
Christmas wasn’t as I thought it would be…. my father refused to come and send me a rather mean text… not with a kiss or a Merry Christmas and made me cry.
I seem to have spent a good part of my life looking after others,… doing for others and still being blamed,………..even for things that I didn’t do or things that I was asked to do … but when they didn’t turn out how they wanted it to .. got blamed………and I have to get strong… it is so hard for me.
Unless someone really knows me.. will know how hard this is for me. I can put on a front and be the happy go lucky person…. but inside I can be so hurt and upset and still put myself forward for the same thing again.
This is going to be year 2013.. is this going to be my year. Every year I ask this to myself…. and every year I let myself down… only me. I have a good husband… yes he gets crabby.. but I think I would if I lived with me. I have a very special daughter who I want to spend time with but is now grown and has her own life and I miss that.. so when she comes round I feel we don’t get the quality time. Even Christmas…. she slept, she was here… but I so wanted us to do something anything just us two together. Am I being selfish… yes I think I am.
There are so many changes going on and I think this is making me … making me what… turning my life upside down even more!…. I miss my father so much… but I can’t beg him to love me or even talk to me. I can’t make my rabbit live, when it is time it is time, my daughter has her life and it is down to me to say No and stand up for myself and maybe grown a back bone and decide who I am….who is B? What does B want out of life? And why is B here? (besides helping others that is!!)
SO 2013….what is it going to bring?
I am going to list a few things and see if I can encourage myself daily to stick to them, any support would be great…
1. Move more….set my alarm on my phone to make me get up and exercise even if just gentle ones to start with or walking around the house.
2. Start a new eating regime… this is my life… and I want to be here
3. Write my worries and concerns down to get them out and stop festering
4. Learn to say No in a good manner and accept that people won’t like it.
5. Allow change in myself to happen and not fight it…. my past is what makes me the person that I am today… and I don’t think I am a bad person.
6. Remind my friends that I am always grateful they are there and support me.
7. Any other…. Oh stay positive 🙂 !!
I am going to read a good magazine now…and thank you for anyone who is supporting me x…. Happy New Year to you