Where have I been that is the question…I have been having a really hard time, I can’t remember what I put in my last post.. but I am sure I told you all about going to the drs and she told me I was depressed. Well I think half of the country is if not more! But I am admitting it to myself and wanting to sort it out before I hit really rock bottom.
What bothers me…
I have to be honest… not that I am not… but after a good heart to heart, I admitted to A that I wasn’t happy that my sister was cremated, I wanted her buried. It may seem silly to some… but to me it just means a lot.
Here are some more after I have given it more thought…
The way I don’t stand up for myself.
The way I allow people to speak to me. And then I get cross at myself and sometimes I snap at them but I have allowed it so whos fault it is it… mine… I need to speak up. Not in a mean way, but I do have a right to be heard…
Not allow my past to affect my future. Although this is what has made me the person I am now.
Learn to live with or let go with some of the pain of losing my sister. it has been 7 years tomorrow and I am a mess. I have spent so long crying and I thought I was getting better… but I honestly don’t think I am.
I have learnt in a way to forgive my biological mother for being so cruel and horrible to me all my life…. she does it now even though I have no contact with her. I think I need to either cut her out or live with what she is like which hurts me more… either way she hurts me and I will always feel bad and if she dies I will spend my life feeling guilty.
Believe again more in my spirituality… which is spiritualism….. there are times when I am so sad and lost that I lose my way and tend not to believe in anything just feel betrayed. I can always help others when needed… I even see spirit at times and can help them that way if the spirit chose to come through, but I agree as A says… I am so tied up in hurt etc that I am blocking everything… I need to go back to my guide and start again. So earlier on I rested after talking to my other sister and decided I was going to call my guide Clarke. I thought Clarke Kent… from the papers… superman.. strong etc… and he said no Clarke Gable the actor who puts on a face for anything lol…. I was so tired I feel asleep.
So there are a few of my faults and things that I am going to work on oh besides only by GREEN sweets and crisps as I won’t eat them lol that way I will lose weight lol…. the clock is ticking and I want us to lose 7 lb this month….
I also looked over at my book shelf and saw my books and saw one on low self esteem so I am going to read through that.
Positive thoughts… I will have good days and bad days… and I know at the moment I want to cry my heart out and hug my sister so hard that she can’t ever leave …. but I can’t.
While talkin to A she also pointed out that others have gone through things worse than me…. this I know. And this too makes me feel so very selfish that I am at the moment wrapped up in my own problems. I always would drop anything to help someone. Just wish I could do it for myself.
My friend A is a wonderful woman…. she has picked me up and helped me and I hope that I have helped her on not so good days too. We after all only human. Just that we or should I say that I am making mine vocal.
I am travelling back to the uk tomorrow… the journey here was a nightmare… if you think you have bad luck… read this….
On motorway the car broke down
Rac ran out so had to renew 150.00
They arrived and said nope need to go to a garage… 400.00 later
Missed ferry more money
Get home to find the house flooded and the meter split.. water one… the water board came out
Get that done and he puts the water on and the water is coming out all over the place….
Kitchen utility room downstairs bathroom, one of the downstairs bedrooms downstair toilet..
Need to get two radiators as they have split.
Finally mop up and water back on… now 3 days later and the oven does’t work!
And as I say… I am in tears all the time as it is my sister memorial day tomorrow.
Just keep your fingers crossed our journey home is okay tomorrow.