B……..I did it!

B……..I did it!

I sat there in the dr’s surgery..I was 15 mins early… don’t like to be late…. people coming and going… some looking ill… some looked great.. so makes you wonder what is wrong.. but not for me to judge just hope they will be ok!  Lots of people came and went and I just sat there… and sat there and… yes … sat there.

The blue screen flashes with my name and which dr and the room…. off I go.. mind racing.  This is it!… off I went… she seemed nice..I got through my prescriptions and then the flood gates opened… I was honest and out it just poured…The dr told me I am depressed!  There we go… I am depressed.. .labelled again.  We spoke of options and I don’t want to go down the tablet route as already on so much for my ATN.. and she suggested CBT.  Hopefully all those that read are also my therapist… and can post positive thoughts and words of encouragement.

So I have to fill out some forms and oddly enough gave me some paperwork to an organisation that I had seen and was thinking of helping out at before as I had done samaritan work for a couple of years that it is nice to help others.  And now it will be someone helping me.

I feel stupid… should I feel stupid?  Have I wasted my drs time…as I get good and bad times.  But we did speak and after talking to her about OH she did say to me that it is a form of mental abuse.  I never really looked at it like that before.. or had I and I never really wanted to admit to it.  I often wonder if he read what I was thinking or feeling would he hurt for knowing how much he has hurt me.  I don’t know.  I am going to try really hard not to make excuses anymore…for him or for me.  I have a life and this is it.. and I have to start at looking what is right and what is wrong.  Maybe he doesn’t even know .. and that is sad… it is isn’t it?

Well I have been and I have taken a step and that is positive.  I know I have to work at this too… but like she says… when something doens’t feel right or hurts me.. I am to take  a step back and think… what is wrong with this situation… and ask!


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